OoOokay, I haven't written for an entire weekend *has heart-attack and wheezes* I think I'm dying...LOL juuust kidding...

Saturday I was at Mike's all day and we were going to go to Loew's Theater at the waterfront but his aunt/uncle/cousins from around Philadelphia ended up coming over so we stayed at his house all night. It kinda sucked, but that's okay...we kept sneaking back to his room to play Need For Speed Underground on his PS2  

Sunday was interesting. There's this Ken guy at church who keeps harrassing the hell out of me, he keeps hitting on me and stuff, even though I bring Michael to church and it's very obvious that we're not brother and sister  Yeah so it was weird...I went ice skating with Jess and that was fun...didn't fall at all...and then I went out with Michael for dinner after he got off work...and then we went to visit Marky~Poof at work...that was a lot of fun too...Mark's my friggin' hero! (Not really LOL)

Tomorrow I think I'm going to a concert with Liz and that'll be a bunch of fun...it's in Hopewell or Moon or something, so that'll be a good time!

Hehe Michael got me the coolest digi cam for Christmas, and I've been taking pics like madd, so I'll have a link to my online photo album up and running sometime soon!

Later Y'all!
--Amy

Christmas was great...I got what I really wanted and that was to just spend time with Michael. Other than that though, the material things were fun too! I got a digital camera from Michael, which was a pain in the ass to open because he wrapped it in like 34802180 boxes, lol. Well worth the time to open it though. He also got me a few other things and his parents got me some stuff too. I got him some shirts, a cd player/alarm clock, and a rolly thing that you use to go under your car with. He definitely seemed happy with that, and so I was pleased. I got a whole bunch of other stuff from my family too, and that was tons of fun too, so yeah, I'm happy about that.

1 major holiday down, 1 to go. New Year's is coming up fast, and I have no idea what I'm doing for that. Probably sitting around with Mike like two old married fogies that fall asleep before midnight...well, actually, I'm doing everything in my power to prevent that from happening, so I'm desparately trying to find a party or something for us to go to. If it doesn't work out that we go anywhere though, I'm sure it'll be fun just the same.

HmMm...a year ago, I was packing 'n getting ready to head off to Orlando, Florida for a week. That was a fun trip, but I really missed my man...ahh well, that happens, right?

I guess that's about it for now, I have about a billion and one things on my mind and so I think I'm gonna go...
--Amy

This is probably the only time I'm gonna have between now and Friday to write, and I only have about 3 minutes at that...

Haha, we saw the funniest thing today, a wagon full of drunks "singing" (more like screaming) Christmas carols into a microphone...and it was driving thru Zelie hahah it was so freakin' funny...I pissed myself (almost) at it!

Well I gotta go get ready to go to my cousin's house and then to Shannon's house, and then here to get Mike and go to church at 11 pm...*sigh* and then tomorrow it's here for the family Christmas stuff and then it's off to Michael's for the in-law's Christmas stuff lol..talk to y'all Friday sometime!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

The past couple days have been relatively hectic...but that's to be expected around this time of the year, I suppose...

Let's see, Sunday at church, B.J. and I had to play our saxophones in the church band. Aside from like some 40 year old guy, we were the two oldest (B.J.'s 21)...so we were slightly embarrassed cuz the rest of them really sucked, although that too, is expected since they're all like 4th graders- lol. Beej and I had a good time though cuz we have some pretty great inside jokes that just kept surfacing all through the service...hehe, we're bad  

Sunday night, I went out with Mike to get some dinner and then he came over here 'til 1 am or so, and then we spent all yesterday together, wrapping presents and such...it was a nice time to have with him. I also *almost* finished his mom's present, which is this latchook pillow of Snoopy that I'm making...oh boy is that a pain in the ass. I'm NEVER making Christmas presents again...

Today I went to meet my mom at her work for lunch- I saw Nate too. I'm going to bake him cookies and get him a little something since after all, he is my stripping partner .

Well I'm gonna go finish up the Christmas presents/wrapping/cleaning I have to get done!

--Amy

It occurred to me tonight (with a little help ), that sometimes, the way I make Michael sound...isn't...well, good. I know I sometimes write about my disappointments and such, but really he's the most amazing person in the entire world, and I really just think that everyone should know that.

...I mean, it takes a really perfect guy to come into my school (which he never went to, mind you) on a day that his college doesn't have school but I do, and bring me roses and a bear for no reason. Yup, that's right, no anniversary no nothing, just an ordinary day. He goes into my school's office and has me pulled out of study hall so he can give me 12 roses and the most adorable bear ever....and attached to the roses is a card that reads *something to the effect of*: "Amy, I will love you until the last rose dies...." and as it turns out, the 12th rose, the one in the very middle, isn't a real rose....so it'll never die, just like his love for me. Or how about the time that he got me a necklace (which I still wear EVERYDAY) that he found and got made specifically for me...with an engraving on the back of it....and then there was 2 Christmases ago when he handed me a small box and I opened it...and there was only a nickel in it (I have a nickel fetish)...and then he shocked me by giving me my promise ring....and if I could even begin to tell you what he says to encourage me in everything I do....oh he's so wonderful....and when I'm sick, he comes over and takes care of me....or when I'm sad, he just holds me while I cry and tells me the little things that make me laugh or at the very least, smile. And every anniversary that we have, he tells me that it's just one step closer to our eternity together...and that makes me so happy....HE makes me so happy....

Michael honey, please don't ever think that I hate you. Please don't ever think that I don't like you and that I don't want to become your wife. In fact, it's very very opposite of that. I love you with my whole heart, sweetie, and I could NEVER hate you, under any circumstances- that's what unconditional love is for....and sweetheart, I cannot wait to become your wife...I'm so excited for that day, you have no idea! I love you soo much Michael...I really REALLY do!

So if anyone ever gets the impression that I'm not happy/in love with my boyfriend, or that he's not a good boyfriend, you're completely wrong. Although I have only listed a very select few things that he has done/does for me, I am pretty sure that it's blatently obvious that I am happy/really in love with him, and that he is the most perfect and astounding man in the entire world....

....I just thought I should let everyone know that....

Haha, I love Christmas time. I took Amanda, Lauren, Kate, and Erica their presents today and boy was that a good time. I think the funniest thing that happened was when Amanda opened her automatic scissors and tried them out....they were so loud! She told me that I should have just gotten her a chainsaw- LOL -and maybe I should have. They buzz funny, and we were in study hall when she opened them...and like the entire cafeteria stopped whatever they were doing to see what exactly was going on...it was freakin' great! Some random girl even screamed "WOW! That sounds like my vibrator!" Okay, so that was a little too much information, but it was funny as hell....

*Sigh of relief* Tomorrow's the last day of school for 2003! WoOo~HoOo! Oh oh, and in 2004, I graduate! YAY! Lol...

It suddenly struck me today that this is my last high school Christmas. I mean, yeah, it occurred to me before, but it really hit me today that gee, after this, I'll be an adult and be on my own ()...this time next year, I'll have been through one semester @ La Roche...~One Step Closer To Being An Interior Designer~ I dunno, it makes me sad and happy all at once...I'm not sure exactly how to describe it...it's a weird feeling though, I can guarantee that one!

Welllll, I'm gonna go wrap some gifts that I'm bringing to school tomorrow, so I'll talk to y'all later!
--Amy

*Ick* I hate being sick. Although, I am feeling like 90% better than I was yesterday....

So I'm on this new diet thing. It's like I'm allowed to eat normally, but I have to eat recommended serving sizes. (I.E. exactly 1 cup of milk is a serving size, exactly 1 slice of cheese [the size of a matchbox] is a serving) Oh boy, it's a sucky diet. I don't even know why I'm on it. I'm not fat, in fact, I'm mostly solid muscle, but I guess I'm doing that "I want to look like the anorexic girls" thing again. I could never be anorexic, don't get me wrong, that's so unattractive and terribly unhealthy, but I just look at them and think "why can't I look like that?!". I'm not even sure why I want to look like that, they're not shaped like women, they're shaped like ironing boards or pre-pubescent 11 year old boys, but every once in a while, I get real insecure about myself like this, and it irritates me, so I try new diets to try to look like them, and I exercise non-stop. [That's really hard to do when you're sick].

*Yawns and Stretches* ....

I think that's about all for now, Mike's going to be here any second, so I'm gonna go...
--Amy

*Ahh* So much stuff is going on right now, and most of it I'm not even gonna bother trying to explain....

Last night, I guess I was just kinda down all around. I wasn't really as mad at Mike as it might have seemed, I was just disappointed that he couldn't be there, and I know he loves me and tries as hard as he can, and for that I'm eternally grateful. *waves* I love you sweetie!  We had a wonderful night together tonight, we went to Panera for dinner and then went back to his house and watched "Malibu's Most Wanted" (which is like one of the funniest movies ever, by the way....and it's even funnier because I think I'm black too sometimes...haha) and then we cuddled. It was a really great way to start the week!

Today was a 2 hour delay due to the shittiness of the weather. It was nice though, I got to sleep in, and I ended up getting a ride from Sarah which was even better since I had my bookbag, my saxophone, and a stupid extra-credit poster for health class..and otherwise I would have been standing around holding the damn things cuz the ground was all snowy and I couldn't have set them down. When I got to school, I met up with Erika and we did the hokey-pokey around Kevin and John...haha and kicked them.
Kevin: "Ya know the guy that invented the hokey pokey? Yeah, that's his hell! People dance around him in circles doing the hokey pokey and they kick and punch him..." <--LOL. It's probably true. And anyone who has enough time to invent something as pointless as the hokey pokey deserves to be in hell anyway, in my opinion! Haha!

Well I guess I should go to bed, it's midnight and so far, no delays have been made...lol...
--Amy

I really don't have too much to say right now....

Today was my Christmas play at church (the one I directed), and surprisingly, it went well- everyone knew their lines and everything, it was nice. Unfortunately, Mike didn't show up to support me, but I guess deep down I really wasn't expecting him to anyhow.  So yeah, I'm really disappointed, cuz I wanted him to be there, but oh well...I'm really getting used to him working all the time instead of coming to see me when I do stuff...(i.e. my jazz band concert and tonight's play)....I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't bother me though, because I might be used to it, but damnit, it really hurts.

*sigh* oh well, who cares, right?

All right...it's 1 am and I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time than sit here and write. Soo that's what I'm gonna do.

When I woke up this morning I like freaked out because my teeth had a small gap between them...and then I flipped and panicked because I couldn't find my retainers...so I found my very first retainer and I scrubbed it really well and I'm now wearing it. *Ouch!* Definitely not a fan.

Apparently a lot of shit has gone down with a whole bunch of people at school...and it somehow involves me but I'm not entirely sure how. I'm so fucking confused about it...when I think about the whole situation, it just makes my head spin. It's like one minute everyone's cool with everyone else and then the next, we're all at each other's throats, but me. I'm like Switzerland (oh God I hate that country) but I'm neutral and I talk to everyone in the group involved. I just somehow end up getting dragged into it because everyone else tells me how they feel about a situation and then the other people ask me about that and since I don't lie to my friends about shit like that (or anything else for that matter), I just tell them. Then it gets into the "he said she said" shit, but ya know what? At least I'm being honest, and I feel really good about it. I hope that wasn't TOO confusing....

Mike came over tonight after work and I don't remember much about the ride there, but somehow we ended up at Eat 'n Park in Wexford with his parents and their friends. It was fun, but I seriously can't remember a damn thing about getting there/coming home. When we came back here afterward though, he stayed for like an hour and we cuddled and talked. It was a good time- I really needed that. *sigh*

I'm like so incredibly drained it's not even funny. I don't see how I can possibly be tired but my mom says she thinks my mono relapsed. I first got the mono at the beginning of last school year from Sarah cuz we shared a drink at band. Now it keeps relapsing cuz I have the world's shittiest immune system so yeah...that and all the time/energy I've been putting into schoolwork and all that...sleep has become my obsession. Every spare moment I have, I sleep. Example: Today after school I came home. 4-8:30 I slept. Then I went out with Mike. Now I'm going back to sleep. Yeah, so either I'm sick, or just so run-down that I'm crashing...because you can ask anyone who knows me well, I can go for weeks, sometimes even months without hardly any sleep at all...and then I go through these "hibernation periods" if you will...and it sucks...

And on that note, I'm going to....yeah, you guessed it....SLEEP!
--Amy 

Okay, I'm back to motime. I can't stand xanga either. While Motime might erase things, Xanga is gay and no one but *members* can comment on my entries, so fuck that shit. (pardon my french). Anyhow, yeah this is my journal again, and I PROMISE that I'm sticking with it this time!

--Amy

Have you ever met someone that words could never do justice? The more you look at them and think of them, the more in love you fall with them....Do they know how you feel? What do you do when you love them but they don't know....or at least when they don't know how much you love them?....

i dunno, just random questions....

*sigh*

When most people think of December 7, they think of Pearl Harbor. While I don't forget that tragic event, I also have another reason to remember that day. Today, December 7, 2003 marks the one year anniversary of the death of my classmate and dear friend, Julie Ann Clakeley.

For those of you reading this who don't already know: Julie was on her way to her weekend volunteer job at a place called the Woodlands (a home for mentally challenged kids) when a careless driver ran a redlight and broad-sided her dad's car on the passenger side, where she was sitting. That night, Julie was diagnosed as brain-dead, and to put an end to all suffering, her parents took her off the respirator and on December 7, 2002, Julie was pronounced dead.

There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of her, and today especially, I remembered her. I visited her grave site and left her some flowers...and I wrote her a letter, just to let her know that I love and miss her very much.

....Julie, if by some miraculous chance, you could read this....
Don't ever feel as though you have been forgotten, because I know I will never forget you. You'll always have a special place in my heart, and no matter what, I'll never cease to remember all the fun times we had. Thank you for so many wonderful memories....and although everyone misses you here on earth, I know you're much happier in Heaven......

RIP Julie....

Oh here's a shock, I'm something evil:

You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying. "And The Vampire was all that remained on the blood drowned creation. She attempted to regrow life from the dead. But as she was about to give the breath of life, she was consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the cycle began again." Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek) and Isis (Egyptian). The Vampire is associated with the concept of death, the number 9, and the element of fire. Her sign is the eclipsed moon. As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic individual. You may be a little idealistic, but you are very grounded and down to earth. You realize that not everything lasts, but you savor every minute of the good times. While you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you have strong ties with people that will never be broken. Vampires are the best friends to have because they are sensible.

...and underneath it all, even angels have shattered wings...

Yeah, I'm really having a hard time dealing with things. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy...on the surface. I've been giving it a lot of thought and I guess I'm just not ready to do this. I'm not ready to go out and face the world on my own. It hit me yesterday (which was exactly 6 months until graduation), that after this, I'm probably going to stay in contact with 1 or 2 people and that's it. Then we'll all be too busy with our separate lives to be bothered anymore. Slowly, one by one, we'll lose contact with one another and then it'll be a struggle to find anyone when you do want to contact them...and then sadly, the only way we'll come together is at the funeral of a loved one that we all knew...and sometimes, we won't even know someone is dead until years after the fact....all because we'll be too busy to stay in contact.

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I've already been to college, I've already had so much more life experience than most people my age. I'm ready to get married and settle down, but I'm not willing to let go of my high school friendships. It's really disheartening to me to realize that it's not like on *Boy Meets World* where you and all your best friends go to the same college and your favorite high school teacher becomes your college professor. I guess maybe I'm not as grown up as I'd like to think I am (and trust me, it takes a lot of pride-swallowing for me to admit that). It's been keeping me up at night though, especially when I'm sitting here doing that ridiculous senior project until like 3 am, because that's when I really start to think that this is it. Soon, I'll be closing this chapter in my life, the chapter that I've been living out for the past 13 years, (which is by far, most of my life *I'm only 17...*)...and soon I'll be locking that door and opening another...entering my college years, soon after that, my career years, and before I know it, I'll be just another 40 year old woman in the working world. God, that scares me so much.

I'm afraid to grow old, but even more so, I am afraid to die. I'm so scared that it's going to hurt to die, but I'm not scared about what'll happen after I'm dead. And more than anything else, I'm absolutely PETRIFIED that I am going to die alone.

I know I have Michael. We're going to get married, and that's fine. But what if he dies before me? What if something that tragic happens? I'll be alone, let all alone in the world, and boy does that scare the hell out of me. I can't imagine my life without him, and I don't want to...but sometimes I can't help but to think of these things.....

...Nothing's right anymore....nothing.

Okay, so I have about 5 minutes to hurry up and write...

Last night was the Wind Ensemble concert, and we weren't bad. In fact, we were great...it's just that our dickhead director is a complete and total moron and was throwing a temper tantrum like a baby. Oh well, he's like that all the time, it's nothing new. Today was boring, I was so dead tired because I didn't actually go to bed until about 3 this morning due to the fact that I got home so late from the concert and then stayed up to do homework. *sigh* I just keep telling myself that this will be rewarding in the end. Anyhow, when I got home from school, I got my official letter of acceptance (before it was just a phone call from the school) from La Roche and a certificate of acceptance was well...and on top of that, I was awarded a $4,000.00 per semester scholarship for my academic achievements. I dunno, I'm kinda proud of that.

Annnyway, that's about it for now...I gotta get going...it's back to the school for tonight's concert- Jazz Ensemble.
--Amy

Wow, I honestly didn't think I'd have time to write tonight. I had massive amounts of homework to do, and I got it all done...and it's not even 10 o'clock yet! I guess working your ass off does pay off in the end, right?

Today was a bore. Didn't do anything really, just sat around and listened to lectures and such. Had a little trouble in math class, but I finally figured it out, so that's good...I am feeling really confident in my schoolwork right now...and I like that.

Tomorrow's my wind ensemble concert and I'm kinda nervous. It's my first year in the wind ensemble and I guess it's more of an anxious happy kind of nervous, but still, I'm nervous. I love playing my saxophone so much, I just hate the directors most of the time...lol. I doubt I'll be able to write much tomorrow or Thursday because my Jazz band concert is on Thursday...so yeah. I'll probably write again on Friday.

I guess that's really all for now...hope all is well!
--Amy

In general, this has been the best vacation. Ever. I mean it! I seriously haven't been this happy in who knows how long, and it's not just because of having a 5 day weekend....I am finally bringing up my grades, in fact I have nothing lower than a "C" right now (except for Bio, but I'm dropping it anyhow)...so all during this break, I wasn't stressed or pressured at all about school (except for senior project stuff, but honestly, it's more time consuming than it is stressful). I also had the best time with Mike all break. We've spent some much needed "US" time together and it has been 5 days of bliss. On top of all that, the fight with one of my best friends, Sarah, has come to an end! It turns out that everything was just one huuuuuge misunderstanding and it's all better now Everything's going great with us, we're finally friends again. It makes me feel so good to know that it's all gonna be okay. Aside from those major things, all the little things have been going well too. I've been getting along even better than usual with Mike's family, my aunt has gone back to work so I don't have to see her as much, the Christmas play at church is *finally* starting to come together, I have almost all of my Christmas shopping done () and life is great! I seriously haven't felt this good in a looong time. I'm completely relaxed and at peace with the world. I'm not worried about college anymore, but since I've been accepted to the college of my dreams, all I really have to do there is sit back and wait for graduation. So although everything isn't 100% perfect, the things that matter most are and that's definitely good enough for me. I'm so happy and I know things can only get better from here

I hope all is well with everyone else....
--Amy

Happy Anniversary, Michael! Thank you for the most wonderful 1 year and 5 months I could ever ask for!